i can’t say what i need to say.   i can’t do what i want to do.

So? what’s there to blog about anymore?   i used to say that this blog is my ONLY venting outlet.   it can’t be my venting outlet anymore … so there is no point in keeping it.  i am very much a dr Mahathir.  things that are not useful or burden to me, i will remove – to cut loses.

i am shutting it down.

i have decided to rebuild my life.  i was told to love myself first.  That’s what i am going to do.  i want to go back to work.   This will be my new year goal.   jai you!

even with my imperfect writing skill and broken English, writing in this blog has been one of my venting outlets (sometimes, it is the only one i got).   Lately, i have written quite a few that were not posted.  i have been penning down my feelings and yet have not the courage to click on the Publish button.

Also haven been busy with the boys and the Princess.   (That reminds me that i have not been updating her photo blog too!  -.-lll )

Since the school holidays begin, KZ has been skipping school.  Well, he is in the childcare, so there is not such thing as school holidays.  However, since KJ is not schooling, i also pulled KZ out of school to enjoy the holidays.   We went swimming, feasting at Ahjisan Noodle shop, playing Animal Kaiser, going Ikea, baking cup cakes, making cookies, etc

For the past week, Princess has been ill.  Her nose was so blocked that she had not been drinking milk (difficult to suck with a blocked nose).  She lost her chubby cheeks in less than a week.   She has not been sleeping well too.  I have been camping in her room for the past week.   Now, that she is recovering, i just have to play by ear.  If i am lucky, she will sleep thru the night.  If i am not, i will have to camp in her room till morning.   Another to note at, Princess has turned into one red hot chilli padi.   Well, who can blame her?!!!  She has to survive in this jungle with her two elder monkey brothers!

Last monday, i brought my helper to register for her course.   She is starting school in January 2012!!!!  Yippeee!  I am happy for her to have this opportunity.  Hope she is too and will study hard to make full use of this course.   The registrar was kind enough to let us looked thru the name list of the students.  She saw a few fellow Indonesians.  Hope that will put mind at ease that she is not the only Indonesian as the course is quite popular with Filipino domestic helpers.

KJ is going for his Taiji Exchange Competition on this Sunday.  Yes!!!!  his first competition!   It is a pity his father is not going to be there to support him.  Chairman has flew to Shanghai.   He had missed KJ’s start of school year at the beginning of 2011.   He brushed off the “Back to School with Dad” program that the school organised on the 1st day of school.  Then, I was upset but i talked myself out of it by reminding myself that Chairman had to be working very hard to earn a living for the family.   That was the old me.   This time, we had a big fight over his trip to China.  I do not think that anything can be more important than your own son’s first competition!   At last, i lost the fight…  so, this sunday is just me and my camera to support my little hero.   Win or lose, he is already my hero.

KZ had completed level 7 of Jelic Program (for developing “Brain Power Engine”…. anyway, it is just an enrichment to occupy his time).  He is now moved on to MPM, together with KJ.   Proud of his achievement too! 

Don’t be mistaken that i am talking “wind breeze words” (风凉话）, but i am not too pleased with that.   KJ is not someone who is consistent with work.  He really really pushed himself very hard for this examination.   How am i going to tell him that he is to push himself just as hard or even harder and yet he will never get to the first 3 positions.   Now, in primary schools, there is this called Honors Day when only the tops get on stage to receive prizes.  The rest – no need to attend school.   You are thinking that “that’s good right? those who dun get on stage no need to feel the pinch on that day what!!! and still get one more school holidays than the so called top students”

Wrong!  before the Honors Day, all students are made to sit in the hall to see the “rehearsal” of the Honors Day.   Do schools care about the emotional development of students ? i doubt so….    Last year, KJ came home depressed after seeing his best friend “rehearsing” on stage to receive prize.   Even thou he was then the 10th in class (second best in the level), he told me he felt he was the “infinity last of the class”.   I was perturbed by his expression.  How did he know the meaning of “Infinity”.    I only studied the meaning of that word in ….????  poly….???

Then, i had encouraged him to do better for the next year so that he too could go on stage.   This year, even though he had pushed soooo hard on himself, he came in as 5th in the class.   Well, closer to the top three position but still cannot get to the stage yet.    So, next year, he will be in the top class with the top cream.   Not that i am down looking at my son, but those students in there are of different calibre.   It is a cut-throat situation, where students do not aim for 90 marks and above.   They are going for the full marks.   how am i going to tell him that there is nothing to aim for anymore ….

i do not need a top student as a son.  i want a son who is happy studying for his education.   So, apart from me studying my new subject for next year (science), i need to pay more attention on his emotion development.   i have to continue to encourage him to work hard and yet shield him from the unnecessary peers pressure…. haiz…

School life has never been so stressful till my own son went to school.  One more year, KZ will be primary one too…. by then i will have DOUBLE stress.   (lets not talk about mei mei yet…. ok!!!)

It is a totally different feeling when i did the previous entry of the same title.     Lives have changed so much in just these few weeks… same environment, but different feelings.    Share this song with you.

家后 means wife.   This is a hokkien song that a wife sang to her husband.  I have included the chinese and English translation to the hokkien lyrics.  (Both translations are not of my creation)     Hope you enjoy….

家後
作詞：鄭進一　作曲：鄭進一
http://youtu.be/IBvF2ut5iNc

有一日咱若老　找無人甲咱有孝
如果有一天我们老了，找不到人孝顺我们，
If there is a day when both of us are old, and there is no children by our side

我會陪你坐惦椅寮　聽你講少年的時袸你有外賢
我会陪你坐在椅子上，听你讲年轻的时候你有多棒
Sitting on a bench, I will accompany you,
listening to your younger days stories,

食好食歹無計較　怨天怨地嗎袂曉
不计较吃得好不好，也不会怨天怨地
rich or poor, i do not care.   never to blame heaven and earth

你的手　我會甲你牽條條　因為我是你的家後
我会把你的手紧紧牵着，因为我是你的家后
your hand, I will not let go, because I am your wife

阮將青春嫁治恁兜　阮對少年隨你隨甲老
我将青春嫁到你家，我自年轻跟你跟到老，
I have given my youth to your family, from young till old, I will follow you

人情世事已經看透透　有啥人比你卡重要
人情世事已经看透，有什么人比你更重要
I have seen through all feelings of life and matters,  nothing beats your importance

阮的一生獻乎恁兜　才知幸福是吵吵鬧鬧
我的一生献给給你家，才知幸福是吵吵闹闹，
I have given you my whole life, to find out happiness is actually squabbles and bickerings

等待返去的時袸若到　我會讓你先走
等到离去的时间到了，我会让你先走
When it is time to leave, I will let you go first

因為我會不甘　放你　為我目屎流
因為我会心疼，让你为我流眼泪
Because I will never bear to leave you alone, to cry for me

有一日咱若老　有媳婦子兒有孝
如果有一天我们老了，有媳妇儿子孝顺，
If there is a day when we are both old, there are children by our side

你若無聊　拿咱的相片　看卡早結婚的時袸你外緣投
你若无聊，拿我们的相片，看以前结婚的时候你有多帅
Whenever you are bored, let’s bring out the wedding pictures and look at how handsome you were

穿好穿歹無計較　怪東怪西嗎袂曉
不计较穿得好或坏，也不会怪东怪西，
Rich or poor, not a care, never to blame on small trivial things

你的心　我會永遠記條條　因為我是你的家後
你的心我会永远记住，因为我是你的家后
Your heart will forever remain in mine, because I am your wife

阮將青春嫁治恁兜　阮對少年隨你隨甲老
我将青春嫁到你家，我自年轻跟你跟到老，
I have given my youth to your family, from young till old, I will follow you

人情世事已經看透透　有啥人比你卡重要
人情世事已经看透，有什么人比你更重要
I have seen through all feelings of life and matters, nothing surpasses your importance in me

阮的一生獻乎恁兜　才知幸福是吵吵鬧鬧
我的一生献给給你家，才知幸福是吵吵闹闹，
I have given you my whole life, to find out happiness is actually squabbles and bickerings

等待返去的時袸若到　你著讓我先走
等到离去的时间到了，你要让我先走
When it is time to leave, please let me go first

因為我嘛不甘　看你　為我目屎流
因為我会心疼，看你为我流眼泪
Because I will not bear to look at you drop your tears for me

死生契阔，与子成说。 　　执子之手，与子偕老。

coaching started early this year.   His work is getting harder.  At Pri 2, he is required to do fraction (adding and subtracting with diff denominators), volume, weight, problem sums that tested on English more than Math (???), 看图写段 (writing short composition), etc.   I could go on, but i really don’t want to scare mummies with young children… hahaha.   (i am mean, right???!!!!)

His weakest subject is Mother Tongue (MT).  So 2 weeks back, he has been practising his chinese vocabulary.   One chapter on each weekday, two chapters on weekends or PH.   Lucky, we managed to cover all chapters (total 22 chapters) in two weeks.  Cover – does not means conquering the text.  Just cover…. hahaha… already, this has been tough for him.   Then he was made to memorize phrases for the composition.   (who? ME! I made him memorized lah!!)     this is important for the composition to gain marks.  Now, teachers do not have the patience to develop genuine quality, they just want results fast.

I planned a schedule for his preparation work.  I used to have my own schedule for my examination planning.  It worked before and it will work again.  As a schedule tells me whether i have sufficient time to cover all subjects adequately.   I told him that as long as he followed my schedule religiously, he will be safe.   Not score but safe.   If he wants better results, then he has to do more than what i had planned for him.  

I did not get any past years papers for him to do.   What for?  when he could not even finish his own revision books.   I had looked through his work in school and targeted at his weak points instead.   I repeatedly emphasised to him that i do not look at his score.  I just want the best he can do for me.   Though, i told him strictly that i do not tolerate careless mistakes.   I will consider punishment for careless mistakes.  

I took comfort at the thoughts that the IM training, I put him through, works.   So, this worth every penny that i spent on him.   He is more able to sit down and concentrate.  and thru the training, i am also blessed to receive knowledge to guide and coach him thru his examination preparation.   i gave him many breaks in-between his revision.   During the breaks, he was to “push the wall”, jump on the trampoline, do “bear walk”, do tug of war (with me!!!).   These help to boost his concentration and energy.   All activities must be done with  caution and with the right quantity (or dosage).   Too little – no effect.   Too much – over hyper.

We do not do food breaks or tv breaks, which are the usual breaks that kids received.   I find that these will slow down the brain process.

We finally made it thru… phew… next year, there will be additional subject, Science.   Keeping my fingers crossed.  

*********************

黄小琥 – 没那麽简单
作词：姚若龙 作曲：萧煌奇

没那麽简单 就能找到 聊得来的伴
尤其是在 看过了那麽多的背叛
总是不安 只好强悍
谁谋杀了我的浪漫

没那麽简单 就能去爱 别的全不看
变得实际 也许好也许坏各一半
不爱孤单 一久也习惯
不用担心谁 也不用被谁管

感觉快乐就忙东忙西
感觉累了就放空自己
别人说的话 随便听一听 自己做决定
不想拥有太多情绪
一杯红酒配电影
在周末晚上 关上了手机 舒服窝在沙发里

相爱没有那麽容易 每个人有他的脾气
过了爱做梦的年纪 轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那麽容易 才会特别让人着迷
什麽都不懂的年纪
曾经最掏心 所以最开心 曾经

想念最伤心 但却最动心 的记忆